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Happy Holidays from The Debutante Hour!
I feel it coming on.
I'm feeling wrong right out of the box.
Waking up makes me sad;
I forget why I want what I want.
Every spare moment I'm obsessing
about all the time I spent messing
up, which is just about every relationship I've ever had including my parents and probably god.
I feel it coming on,
and it doesn't make any sense since
my mom's a Jehovah's Witness
I'm afraid of Christmas
I'm afraid of it every year.
Every year I think I can beat it; it's just time.
And I've been through time before.
I'm Afraid of Christmas
not for what I won't get but for what I can't let go
like last February, like my dad who died eight years ago,
like my favorite hat I remembered as I shut the cab door, that was 2004.
Like everytime someone I loved wanted something from me that I couldn't give but really I wanted to, which is just about every relationship I've ever had including my parents and probably god.
It makes me feel like my life is something warm and satisfying that's not happening to me but to those nice people over there.
Ex-boyfriends and other things I used to believe in they all start to bother me more that it's almost Christmas.
I've been fooled by this before.
Was it Bing (damn you Bing!)
who infected my heart with things expected
like the notion of some clear emotion --
something you can just feel when you feel it.
That good is just good and everyone has it.
And longing's just long, and it's meant to end.
And all you have to do is listen for sleigh bells in the snow...
now I know...
I'm so afraid of Christmas.
You should have seen me last year.
I almost didn't survive Christmas.
But I'm glad I did, because I get to be with you this year.
released December 19, 2011
Produced by Peter Hess and engineered by James Frazee at Hobo Sounds, NJ. Mixed & mastered by Major Matt at Olive Juice Studios, NYC.